Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
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Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
those birds must be on payroll
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy