you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
ok like just. call me at this point
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
bugs when you lift up a rock
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…