My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”