I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”