If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.