it’s finally my moment to shine
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God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
War & Peace
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*