My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Um … Hot Wings please
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.