I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
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[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.