The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.