Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
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8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I cannot stop laughing at this
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or