“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.