[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
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Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…