I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich