If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
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Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.