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Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma