This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
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I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share