The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
🔦🌙👣
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream