“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
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Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
This guy gets it.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.