[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
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My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
this is the best interaction on twitter
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up