I occasionally drink every single night.
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I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
i hate you platonically
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?