Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.