Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*