Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.