Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.