I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
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the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie