Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Breaking news:
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
This is sending me to another galaxy
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
This is Sparta
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]