Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
You Might Also Like
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”