dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
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computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.