before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…