cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
You Might Also Like
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
R.I.P.