If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
You Might Also Like
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
mmm onion ringos
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.