I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.