When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.