boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Anyone really
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one