I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.