I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
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People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.