Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
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GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.