Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I’d … I’d rather not.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.