Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.