Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter