Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
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<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
How times have changed.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Banking tips
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.