We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.