I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Bobby pin
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…