Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
There is wisdom there.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”