Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]