My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“That’s what” – She
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Do not steal food from the science building!
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.