For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.