“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
what’s the point then??
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
is this how new cars are made??
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.