I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Found my door mat
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.