[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it鈥檚 the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we鈥檒l be happier if we scream at the moon every night
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Almost quitting time鈥heers!馃
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[dinner]
HER: don鈥檛 embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.